Some Do Not Like It Hot
by Squigsquasher
Summary: After an Angel attack, Shinji and friends somehow, against all logic and common decency, get genderflipped. Will Shinji master walking in a skirt? And why did Ritsuko mix Kool-Aid with the LCL? (A fair bit of raunchy humour and transgender themes; do not read if you are offended by such things)
1. Well, that was unexpected

_**Some Do Not Like It Hot**_

By Squigsquasher

* * *

Well, this is my first Evangelion fanfiction. This is the first chapter, expect more to come.

* * *

_**Chapter 1: "Well That was Unexpected"**_

* * *

"What the hell is an Angel doing attacking this time in the evening anyway!?" whined Asuka as she adjusted the fit of her hastily donned plugsuit. "Can't this bastard have the decency to attack us at midday like every other Angel?"

She did not like being interrupted in the evenings. Especially not when it meant losing out on the chance to beat Shinji's high score at _Sakura Wars_. She was grumpy enough as it was, having spent the morning nearly drowning under yet another tonne of love letters from the slack-jawed yokels she shared the classroom with. Just the thought of it made her angry.

"No, Asuka, it cannot. For the last time, the Angels pay about as much attention to human conveniences and rituals as I pay to the "No Smoking" sign in the office." Ritsuko sighed, rolling her eyes and taking a swig of coffee. She took a long gulp of the steaming brown liquid before bringing the mug down upon the table with a _clank_.

Asuka simply mumbled something under her breath as she finally got the last uncomfortable fold out of her plugsuit. She couldn't think of a response, and right now she was too damned tired. She just wanted the battle to be over quickly so she could go to bed and get back to her pleasant dreams involving Kaji, a Ferrari and a bottle of chocolate syrup.

Shinji finally emerged from the changing rooms, having obviously spent a lot more time making sure his plusuit was properly aligned. "...Umm, so, anything we ought to know about the Angel?" He asked innocently.

Rei then exited the changing room, and silently stood next to Shinji.

Ritsuko glided her hand over the keyboard and brought up a satellite image of the approaching Angel. She picked up a conveniently placed baton and gestured to the image.

"This is the Angel, designated Azrael." she intoned, pointing to an image of the beast floating ponderously through the outer defence network. "It is approximately 40 foot tall, with a 55 foot diameter and several appendages of varying size."

The image was grainy, and it was difficult to make out the form of the monster, but it seemed to resemble a giant jellyfish with long scissor-tipped tentacles and a bird-skull-like face. It was truly massive, dwarfing the defence columns surrounding it. It certainly didn't look like a pushover either way.

"The Angel appeared approximately 20 minutes previously, seemingly out of nowhere." the blonde head scientist continued. "It has since been slowly approaching Tokyo-3 and is expected to reach the main city in 4 hours if it is not opposed."

Rei finally broke her silence. "Do you have any information regarding combat capability?"

"Well, not a lot. As per normal it seems to be completely impervious to conventional weaponry, to the point where it cannot even be slowed down. To make matters worse, its limbs cut straight through the defence columns like they were made from cardboard."

Ritsuko put down the baton and took another gulp of coffee. The screen flicked to some images of the destruction it had caused, the defence columns and turrets lying in chunks of concrete.

Shinji was feeling extremely uneasy. This particular Angel looked exceptionally menacing, and by the looks of what it had done to the automatic defences...It didn't bear thinking about what it could do to him. He had been looking forward to a nice bath and a good long sleep; instead he was going on a mission in that damnable machine, no doubt with Asuka shouting at him and Rei making totally irrelevant interjections relating to cheese.

"Oh dear...Erm, so, is there any kind of plan on how we're going to fight this thing?" he mumbled.

Ritsuko beckoned to Misato, who broke off from her conversation with Shigeru Aoba and walked to the main computer terminal.

"Well, I've come up with a hasty battle plan, which should probably work. Probably." said Misato, not sounding totally professional. "Saying that, I did have a hangover this morning..."

This did not engender confidence in anyone. The last time Misato had made a plan following a hangover, she had nearly burnt down her own apartment.

Shinji and Asuka both made mental notes to dissuade her from ever doing a barbecue again.

"Anyway..." chuckled Misato, grinning cheesily "I've come up with a plan that uses the strengths of each of you to complement each other to hopefully create a plan greater than the sum of its parts."

She pointed to Shinji.

"Shinji, your job is to distract Azrael and draw him into this valley." she said, pointing with her other hand to the map that was now on the screen. "You're good at running away, and you're good at getting attention, so you'll be perfect for the job."

The boy slumped a little. "Thanks. I needed that..."

"Asuka," she continued "You will be waiting to ambush Azrael when Shinji lures it into the valley. You will engage it and attempt to destroy its A.T. Field. We've equipped Unit 02 with the new Progressive Sword, so it should be easy."

Asuka sneered indignantly. "Hah! Of course it will! This puny monster is no match for the mighty Asuka! It shall fall before my mighty blade as I-"

"As for you, Rei, you will be stationed in Unit 00 with a sniper rifle to destroy the Angel from afar once Asuka has lowered its A.T. field, on this plateau here. Wait until it's in line of sight, then as soon as the field falls, take a shot." Misato concluded, cutting Asuka off mid-speech.

"Certainly. Consider it done." said Rei in her usual monotone. Inside her head, however, she was preoccupied with thoughts of gerbils, liquid soap, and the huge satisfaction of seeing Asuka cut off mid-speech. Though her face did not betray it, she was feeling extremely smug.

"They'll be support towers nearby, so you shouldn't have to worry about running out of power." cut in Ritsuko. "If you have problems, just retreat to the nearest tower."

"Now, there's no time to waste!" exclaimed Misato chirpily "Get to the launch bay immediately!"

* * *

Shinji clambered into the entry plug, closing the hatch behind him and wriggling into the seat. No sooner had he got relatively comfortable than the entry plug slid into the socket in Unit 01's spine, jolting forwards and then coming to a stop with a _clunk_.

As the LCL began to pour into the plug, Shinji restrained the urge to hold his breath and simply let the revolting fluid fill his airways. It tasted absolutely disgusting, but he had gotten used to it by now. It didn't seem to taste as bad as normal, though. Whilst for the most part it still tasted like a mixture of blood and batteries, there was a fruity hint in it, almost reminding him of...grapefruit.

The internal monitors activated, and Shinji felt the synchronization process beginning. Slowly, he felt the clamps securing the Eva in place as though they were attached to his own limbs, and the weight of the pylons pressing down on his shoulders.

"OK, are you guys ready?" came Misato's ever cheery voice down the intercom.

"Ready." he replied meekly.

"Ready!" came Asuka's confident voice down the comm.

"Affirmative." Rei droned.

"Excellent! 3...2...1...LAUNCH!"

* * *

With a burst of sparks, Units 01, 02 and 00 were catapulted upwards through the complex network of elevator shafts, hurtling towards the surface.

Ritsuko sat back in her chair, taking a drag from her cigarette.

"Well, here's to hoping this plan doesn't go the same way as the indoor barbecue." she chortled, blowing a smoke ring.

Misato smiled, and sat next to her old colleague. "Oh, shut up. It still went better than the barbecue we tried doing in college all those years ago. And that was outdoors!"

Ritsuko couldn't help but grin.

"Ah, those were the days. Damn I'd love to go back to those days...So little work, so little stress..."

She took another drag from the cigarette.

"Speaking of which, I wonder how my idea of mixing grapefruit Kool-Aid with the LCL is going to turn out..."

Though neither of them knew it, they were soon going to be having much bigger problems on their hands than the pilot's reactions to LCL mixed with cheap instant juice. Much, much bigger problems.

* * *

"OK! Let's roll out!" shouted Asuka enthusiastically, pointing towards the target valley.

Whilst it was nice to hear Asuka genuinely happy, Shinji couldn't help but get a bit tired of the redheaded half-German thinking she was Optimus Prime.

"Umm...OK. I''l go on ahead and try and find the Angel. You two get to wherever you need to be and wait." responded Shinji. He was trying to sound confident and assertive, but he knew it wasn't working.

As he predicted, an angry retort came down the line. "Hey! Who said you were in charge of this operation? Don't you start ordering me, the mighty Asuka, around!"

"I wasn't..." mumbled Shinji "I was just making a suggestion..."

"Well, don't!" snapped the fiery redhead. "Nobody asked you for your opinion, so-"

"Please, there is no need to get so angry" intoned Rei, her voice taking on a soothing quality. "Besides, why do you feel you are qualified to make all the decisions, pilot Soryhu?"

"BECAUSE I'M IN THE RED ONE!" screeched the ginger devil, flapping about and stamping her foot for emphasis, causing the buildings to shake and creating yet more work for the road repair crew. "I mean...Because I'm the best trained and have the most experience! Now get on with it and...umm...do what he said!"

"Ahem. Do you mind getting on with the mission?" came Maya's voice down the intercom, howls of laughter in the background.

Asuka blushed a little over the video link, shrinking into the seat.

"...Sorry..." she sighed.

Maya giggled a little. "Excellent. Now, just head off to your designated spots and we should have this all over in time for me to propose to Senp-I mean, umm, have dinner."

"Affirmative." replied Rei. Her blue-armoured giant disconnected from its cable and slowly lurched forwards, before picking up speed and bounding off.

* * *

She elegantly sped her way over the mountainous terrain, leaping over trees and keeping perfect balance as she made her way to the look-out point.

Though the path was treacherous and the terrain rough, it was no match for the sheer power and unearthly grace of Unit 00. Rei casually jumped over a river in her path, before heading upwards towards her destination.

Nearly at the summit of the plateau, she slowed down and began to scale the side of the natural edifice, digging Unit 00's fists into the rock, hauling the massive bulk of the machine up the incline, before grasping the edge of the cliff and heaving her way onto the top.

She stopped to breathe for a second, before slamming the enormous button on the side of the waiting support tower, the side of the concrete and metal construct sliding open. She connected a new power cable, removed the sniper rifle from the compartment, crouched down, fixed her sights on the valley below, and waited.

"_That was remarkably easy."_ Rei thought to herself. _"Although I am feeling a curious desire for cheese..."_

* * *

"I have reached my designated position." Rei announced down the intercom. "Pilot Soryhu, I believe it is your turn to do the same."

Asuka resisted the temptation to hurl abuse down the line at the blue-haired doll. As much as she wanted to rip a strip off the freakishly pale girl for daring to give her, the mighty Asuka Langley Soryhu, an order, she was worried that Shinji would have a hissyfit and leap to her defence, or that Rei would begin another of her long, extremely irritating pedantic witters about how she was simply suggesting the course of action and how she had no wish to upset her and how if she was ordered she would...Ooh, it was too much just to think about.

"Understood, Wondergirl. I'm on my way!" she replied, hiding her irritation behind her usual cavalier demeanor.

"My name is not Wondergirl. It is Rei Ayanami."

"Whatever."

The umbilical cable attached to Unit 02's back detached with a hiss, rockets firing just before it hit the ground to prevent damage. Almost immediately, the red behemoth leapt forwards and darted off down the valley.

* * *

"_Stupid Wondergirl, ordering me around!"_ Asuka thought to herself as she thundered down the valley. _"Who does she think she is?"_

She did not like Rei one little bit. The albino was far too quiet, almost doll-like in her demeanour. And Asuka hated dolls. She always did exactly what she was told, and never thought for herself. Asuka got the feeling that the First Child would throw herself into a threshing machine if the commander told her.

And yet, for all her mindless obedience, she was always arguing with her! Every time she asked the blue-mopped robot anything, she got the same damn responses. "No, Asuka." "I don't know." "If I'm ordered to, I will." "What is "like"?" "Yes, Asuka." "I don't understand."...Rei didn't even have the will to properly argue with her. She just droned the same pre-programmed responses, completely indifferent to the conversation, or just contradicted her. Ask her opinion, it was "I don't know." Ask her if she wanted to do something, it was "If I'm ordered to, I will." Argh!

…And then, there were the other times.

As likely as Rei was to be completely blank and emotionless, there were occasions where she'd become...odd. She'd randomly start thinking or talking about the strangest things, ranging from microwave ovens to chickens to Salvador Dali to differential calculus. She'd begin staring into space. She'd balance objects on her head. She'd try to eat things that were not meant to be eaten. And all in her infuriating monotone, always sounding about as lively as a breeze-block. Sometimes, she acted flat-out perverted...

Worst of all, was her obsession with Shinji. She showed practically no interest in anyone except the commander and the stupid pervert. She never said anything much to Misato, and barely acknowledged that Asuka was there at all, but Shinji...Why on Earth would she be so attached to the little wimp? He had all the manliness and vitality of an anaemic bush baby! He probably dreamt of-

*_CLANG!*_

* * *

Asuka was interrupted mid-thought when her Evangelion collided with something big and solid. The mighty engine of war staggered backwards, reeling from the impact, and just about managed to stay on its feet.

"Argh...My head...What was-" she began, before seeing what it was she had hit.

Before her was floating an absolutely colossal organism, resembling a horrific mockery of a jellyfish. Its main body was a bell shape, made of multiple layers of delicately pulsing flesh, mostly black with pink and green patterns criss-crossing them. It looked almost like an enormous poofy dress. From underneath the bell snaked long black tentacles, tipped with either needle-like stingers or huge scissor claws. At the centre of its underside, surrounded by a cluster of green tentacles, was a pulsing red core.

Most terrifying of all, however, was its face. The creature had what looked like a bird's skull for a face, looking as though it was nothing more than a mask. It had 3 asymmetrically arranged eye sockets, each of which contained nothing more than a black void. The beak was split down the middle like a fountain pen, and the whole thing was a bleached white. The whole grotesque thing was worn upon a lump of flesh that Asuka assumed was its head.

"Mein Gott..."

This was Azrael.

Panicking, Asuka immediately activated the intercom. "Wimp! Wondergirl! I have located the Angel! I require assistance!" she barked down the microphone.

"Hang on, this wasn't the plan!" replied a very worried Shinji. "I thought-"

"Never mind what you thought, come and help me!" Asuka shouted. "Wondergirl, can you get a visual on me?"

"Hang on." responded Rei, as patiently as ever. "I think I can see you, it's difficult in the darkness..."

"Right! Now, Shinji, help me! Before he-

Asuka was once again cut off mid-sentence as the Angel swung its appendage and slammed Unit 02 aside like a cheap ornament. The crimson behemoth was sent flying, crashing into the side of the valley in a shower of earth.

"Owwwww..." moaned Asuka as she recovered from the hit. "That hurt..."

Then her fear rose as the monstrous abomination that had so casually knocked her down turned towards her, scissors clacking. It drifted closer, fibrous tendrils waving, its eyeless gaze fixed upon her.

"Someone! Please, HEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLP!" she screamed.

* * *

Shinji hastily ran towards Unit 02's position on the map, seeing the gargantuan Angel rounding on Asuka. He steeled himself as he neared the monster.

"Hey! You! Get away from her!" he shouted from the external speakers, beckoning to the Angel.

Slowly, but surely, the massive organism turned to face him, skull-like mask utterly devoid of expression.

Shinji suddenly felt a lot less confident about the whole "rescue" thing.

"Umm...We can talk about this..." he chuckled sheepishly.

Unfortunately, the Angel was evidently not in the talking mood, and lashed out with a scissor tipped tentacle. Shinji leapt out of the path of the limb, the claw whistling past him.

Azrael floated closer to him, and sent out yet more tentacles, each one just missing Unit 01 and embedding itself in the hillside, before retracting and launching again. Shinji continued to dodge the razor-sharp weapons until a needle tentacle hit his Eva square in the stomach, smashing him against the side of the valley.

Shinji writhed and screamed in pain as he felt the organic metal needle pierce through Unit 01. It was absolutely agonizing, one of the worst pains he had ever experienced.

To make matters worse, the Angel's eye sockets began to glow with a bright orange light. It stared straight at Unit 01, the light growing.

"_This is it; I'm going to die..."_ Shinji thought to himself. He closed his eyes, waiting for oblivion.

However, before the Angel could vapourize him, it roared in pain and threw its head back, a blast of energy surging from its eye sockets and annihilating the section of mountain just above Shinji. Embedded in its back was Asuka's Progressive Sword, in the grip of a furious Unit 02.

"Eat metal, you tentacled bastard!" bellowed Asuka, twisting the sword and drawing another scream from Azrael. The Angel flailed widly, taking chunks out of the surrounding valley but failing to dislodge the crimson titan hacking away at its body.

Shinji pulled the offending needle from Unit 01's body, and stood back up. "Asuka! You saved my life! I-"

His relief was cut short when Unit 00 crashed into him in a torrent of rock and earth, knocking him back over in a sprawl of limbs.

"Argh...My apologies, Ikari-kun. Azrael's energy weapon destroyed my vantage point and sent me tumbling down here...Are you alright?" Rei said, recovering from the impact.

"Gah...I think so...Ooh, my head..." replied Shinji.

Suddenly Unit 02 was thrown clear of the Angel, tossed aside by its furious flailing. The Angel, now wounded and bleeding profusely, started to rise into the air, a glowing aura surrounding it. Then, with a blinding flash of light and a sound that suspiciously resembled Muttley's sniggering from pre-Impact cartoons, the Angel disappeared.

Rei, Shinji and Asuka each felt a sensation as though they were boiling in their cockpits, and then everything went black.

* * *

Shinji awoke with bleary eyes in a hospital bed. _"Well, looks like it's business as usual then."_ the scrawny boy thought to himself. He was aching all over, utterly exhausted and breathing heavily. But amid the normal discomfort, something felt...different.

He opened his eyes further and sat up. To his surprise, his vision was partially obscured by a short curtain of hair. He looked around, and saw Ritsuko standing over him, looking very worried.

"Shinji-kun? Can you hear me?" she said anxiously.

Shinji nodded. "Yes, I can-hang on, what's happened to my voice?"

His speech had become a lot more high pitched and even more gentle than normal. It was still recognizably Shinji, but it sounded...different. Something was not right here.

The blonde-haired scientist sighed. "Well, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that you, Rei and Asuka all survived without any major injuries."

She paused, her shoulders slumping.

"The bad new...Well, look under your covers..."

He did as he instructed, and was absolutely shocked by what he saw. His body was a completely different shape, with wider hips and a narrower waist. His chest seemed to be home to a pair of swellings, almost resembling...Oh no.

He checked between his legs, and was horrified to find that a certain special something was now missing. Her gently touched the area where it should have been, but stopped when a surge of sensation swept through his body.

He turned to Ritsuko, tears in his eyes. "Please...Please tell me this is a sick joke..."

The bottle blonde shook her head. "I wish it was too, I really do. We really don't know how it happened. One minute everything was normal, and then the Angel just disappeared and, well..."

She passed Shinji a mirror.

He took the mirror, and nearly dropped it when he saw his reflection.

His hair was now a lot longer, hanging in a short untidy bob. His face had become much rounder, his eyes bigger, and his lips more distinct. His Adam's Apple was gone.

He started to hyperventilate as the horrible truth now dawned.

"He" was now a she.

She began to sob. She tried to hold it in, but it was no use. She slumped over, and cried and cried and cried.

She felt a hand on her shoulder, and saw it belonged to Ritsuko.

"It's OK. You'll be in a state of shock for a while. We're looking to see if we can reverse it, but for now you're going to have to adapt a little."

Shinji began to cry a little less, facing Ritsuko. Then, something popped into her head.

"Wait, if this happened to me, and Rei and Asuka were right next to the Angel as well, then..."

Suddenly, he heard a spine-tingling howl of fury and a violent crash, followed by German swearing and calls for sedative.

"_Ah welll" _Shinji thought to herself . _"At least I'm not the only one going through this crap..."_

* * *

***TO BE CONTINUED***

Author's Notes:

Yes, that's right: it's a genderflip fic. I decided to have the first part focus entirely on the events that caused the...ahem...transformation to avoid jumping straight to the meat of the story and to give a little setup time. The next chapter will begin the descent into silliness.

Thank you for reading this, comments are of course appreciated!

UPDATE: Fixed minor spelling/grammar mistakes.


	2. That isn't supposed to be there

Some Do Not Like It Hot

Chapter 2: "That isn't supposed to be there!"

* * *

_What... Where am I?_

As Asuka woke, memories ran through her head of the battle that had just occurred. Despite her best efforts to slay the Angel, it had thrown her off. She had landed in a heap with Shinji and Rei, who likewise had been tossed like rag dolls. The Angel had disappeared in a flash of light, and all she remembered after that was agonizing pain, as if being plunged into boiling water, and then nothing.

_I...feel… different._

The battle had gone disastrously, all thanks to stupid Shinji. Why did he have to panic when the Angel saw him? Why did he have to let her down all the time? Ooh, he and that stupid blue-haired doll...

Asuka groggily opened her eyes. Misato was standing over her, brows furrowed and anxiously staring at the girl.

"What..." Asuka groaned, her vision still cloudy. Regaining her voice, the girl said, "What happened?" As she spoke, she noticed that something was wrong. Something was very, very wrong. Her voice was a lot deeper than it should have been.

"Oh thank goodness, you can talk!" gasped Misato. "We were worried the physical change had ruined your vocal cords."

_Wait, what? Physical change?_

Asuka gave Misato a puzzled stare. "What are you talking about? What physical change? I mean, I feel funny, but…" Asuka trailed off.

Misato took a deep breath, bracing herself for the inevitable outburst that would undoubtedly come once she had imparted the news to the redheaded girl in front of her.

"Asuka, we don't know how. But when the Angel escaped from the area... Well, it did something to you and the other pilots. Asuka..." Misato paused, fidgeting. "Well, you're… somehow, you're male."

Asuka burst out laughing. "Pahahahahahahahah! Ha ha ha...Ho hoooo...good one, good one..." Asuka coughed, coming out of her giggles. "You had me going for a second, giving me some gas to deepen my voice and telling me I'm a boy. Oh, you crack me up... Hahahahaha..."

She noticed Misato's totally straight face. Asuka's eyes widened. "You're not serious... Mein Gott... This can't be..." she stuttered. Asuka ran her hands over her face and body. Her hair was a lot, lot shorter than normal. Her face was more angular, and her eyes smaller. Her chest was completely flat, and a lot broader than before. Her arms appeared to have become bigger, with more pronounced musculature.

_Wait, then that means... Oh, no._

Shaking, Asuka reached down under her covers, and her fingers came into contact with something horrible. Something limp, fleshy, and soft. Something sensitive, ugly, and something that Asuka loathed with every fiber of her body. Something that made quite clear that Asuka should no longer be referring to himself with female pronouns.

The color drained from Asuka's face as he was struck dumb with what had happened. His mind rapidly switched through emotions, switching from distress to fear to sadness to confusion to white-hot, violent rage. Asuka had always hated boys, and now... now, he was one. Asuka's eyes ran around the room, until they locked onto the only other human being inside of it. He needed an outlet for his rage, and he needed it _now. _With a roar of anger, Asuka leapt out of his bed with fists balled and teeth bared. There was no time to call for backup before the frenzied boy landed on Misato. The pair landed on the ground, Misato under the furious Asuka's weight.

* * *

An echoing _thump_ resounded throughout the corridor. Ritsuko ran towards the doorway, surmising the source of the noise almost immediately. "Shin-chan, I'll be right back. I have to sort something out," she said. Ritsuko was attempting to sound calm, only partially succeeding. She rushed out, slamming the door behind her.

The sound of a rather one-sided brawl emanated from the room opposite. Shinji tried to block it out, clasping her hands over her ears, but to no avail. She tried putting her pillow over her head, but it would not drown out the noise. Somehow, she felt even more timid and easily frightened than when she was a boy. Maybe it was something to do with hormones. She wasn't sure.

Then a horrible thought dawned on Shinji. If Asuka was now a boy (and judging by the angry bellows coming from next door, he probably was) and Shinji was a girl, the fiery redhead was of even more of harm to her than before. When they had been the correct gender, Shinji at least was at least of slightly less risk of injury from his housemate. Asuka had frequently beaten Shinji up, but it was motivated more by (albeit misplaced) defensiveness and general crankiness; whilst she was quite strong, she didn't have a huge amount of power.

With all that testosterone running through her- or rather, him- and all that strength, he would no doubt be even more aggressive than before. If Shinji said as much as one poorly judged thing to Asuka, then the ginger devil could seriously hurt her, or worse still, force himself upon her...

Shinji began to cry again. It was too much. She wanted to see Misato, for her to keep Shinji safe. She wanted to see Toji and Kensuke, and tell them all about what had happened.

Most of all, she wanted to see Rei.

* * *

The bottle blonde dashed out of Shinji's hospital room in a state of extreme panic. Judging by the sounds coming from the room across, Asuka had not taken the news very well.

She burst in through the door to find an enraged Asuka attempting to strangle Misato, who fortunately was just about holding the enraged boy's hands away from her throat.

"THIS IS YOUR FAULT! AHAHAHAHAHAHA! SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT HARDER ABOUT THAT PLAN, MISATO! AHAHAHAHAHAHA! BECAUSE NOW I'M A BOY, AND I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!" Asuka cackled. He had completely lost his mind. Both his eyes were glazed over, and spittle flew from his mouth. Ritsuko stared at the boy. She had expected some level of distress from the now male Asuka, but nothing like this.

"Oh, thank god you're here, Ritsuko! Help me get him off of me!" Misato grunted as she wrestled with the insane Asuka. Ritsuko entered the fray, grabbing hold of Asuka. "Asuka! Stop! This isn't you! You need to calm down!" she shouted, as the Second Child writhed and bucked in her grip.

"No! I'm going to... I'm going to kill you, and then I'm going to kill Shinji!" Asuka gibbered in response. "And then Wondergirl...I'm...Kill..Rtghgllghhglt...KILL!"

Ritsuko sighed. While it was morbidly amusing to watch, this had to stop. The blonde tried to restrain Asuka with one hand, and pulled out a syringe filled with green fluid from her lab pocket. "Asuka...I'm sorry. I have to do this, for your sake and ours," she sighed. She swiftly jabbed the screaming boy in the thigh with the instrument and depressed the plunger.

Asuka quivered and convulsed, and then went still. "Thanks...I needed that..." he gasped, before falling asleep on top of Misato.

* * *

The purple-haired woman managed to crawl out from under the supine form of Asuka, wiping the sweat off her brow. She exhaled heavily and put her head in her hands.

Ritsuko rushed to her side and put her arm around her. "My god...Are you all right?" she asked, holding her good friend up.

Misato sighed. "Yes, think so. I'm more worried about Asuka though. I really hope this isn't the result of brain damage..."

"No, I don't think this is brain damage," responded Ritsuko. "I knew that something like this would happen, just not quite that extreme. This should be a one-off case of severe stress- I can assume that he'll be okay once he wakes up."

She turned away from Misato and directed her attention to the sleeping Asuka. He was roughly the same height as he had been when he was female, but he was a lot bulkier with well-built muscles, a rather angular frame and a fairly broad chest. His features were well defined, his jaw quite square and his nose aquiline. He somehow managed to look a great deal more masculine than Shinji had when she had been male.

_He makes rather a good boy,_ thought Dr Akagi. _Here's to hoping that his little... outburst... was a one-off._

Holding her finger to the side of his throat, Ritsuko carefully checked Asuka's pulse before gently placing her hand on his chest. All seemed normal, physically anyway. She turned back to Misato. "Well, his pulse is fine, and I can't detect any irregularities in heartbeat or breathing. I think he should be OK to leave once he wakes up, provided you're all right with that. I mean, it looked like he came at you pretty bad-"

"Oh, it's fine, don't worry!" insisted Misato, smiling and clapping Ritsuko on the shoulder. "I'll take him home and keep him out of trouble. If it's like you said and that was just a fluke stress attack, then I think I'll have no problem with him. I can deal with a cranky teenage girl, I'm pretty sure I can deal with a cranky teenage boy!"

Ritsuko did not look convinced. "I don't think this is just any cranky teenage boy, Misato. I mean, I'm pretty sure that he should be OK, but if he flips again...are you sure you can handle him? If you want, I'll keep him in the psych ward for a while..."

"No, no, no!" Misato shook her head. "She- sorry, _he_ needs care and attention, not a padded cell! If he's going to have to go through this I want to be able to support him any way I can. And if that means having him at home with me then I will!" She sighed and slumped her shoulders a little. Today was becoming quite taxing.

Dr Akagi hesitated for a few seconds, but then smiled. "Well, if you think you're up to it, then I'm in no position to tell you otherwise. Go right ahead, but please, do be careful. I'll discharge him as soon as he can walk," she said, her usual personality shining through.

"Thanks! I think it's best if we don't tell the higher-ups about the, ahem, incident." responded Misato. Ritsuko nodded. The two women grinned and shared a friendly hug.

"Urgh...My thigh hurts...Am I still a boy?" came a drowsy voice.

Ritsuko and Misato turned to see that Asuka was now sitting upright, still bleary-eyed but a lot more awake, and thankfully, a lot less homicidal.

"Ah, Asuka-kun, you're awake!" replied Ritsuko, dryly but cheerily. "And yes, I'm afraid you are still male."

The ginger boy groaned and crossed his arms, somewhat disappointed. "Ugh, I hate this new body. It's so... crude, so inelegant," he grumbled, examining his arms. "Still, at least stupid Shinji won't be lusting after me any more."

The two women couldn't help but snigger.

"Yeah, about that..." snorted Misato, just about holding in her laughter.

"Speaking of which," interjected Ritsuko, "I think that a certain Miss Ikari would like to see you both."

"Ah, yes! I'll go and see her now! Come along, Asuka! Ritsuko will help support you if necessary," the purple-haired woman giggled. She got up and walked out of the room.

Ritsuko took Asuka by the hand and hauled him up onto his feet. "Come on, I'll help you walk if you need me," she said.

Asuka's face had gone a shade of red not unlike his plugsuit. "..._Miss_ Ikari?" he shuddered.

* * *

**TO BE CONTINUED**

* * *

A/N: This chapter is a little more polished than the first, mainly due to the awesome beta-reading skills of Nuclear Lunchbox. Many thanks, Nuke-kun, for your wonderful assistance and proofreading!

Also, the next few chapters will probably be a bit shorter than the first, as the original chapter 2 has been broken into 3 separate chapters.

Sorry for the delay, and thank you for your readership!


	3. This is gonna take some getting used to

Some Do Not Like It Hot

* * *

Chapter 3: "This is going to take some getting used to..."

* * *

"I'm coming in, Shin-chan!"

From lying on her back, Shinji shot upright at the sound of Misato's voice. At last, someone who might be able to offer comfort! The door opened, and Misato stepped in. She looked slightly ruffled; her hair was in a mess and her cheeks were flushed, but she was smiling.

"Misato-san!" cried the dark-haired girl, sobbing with happiness. "I'm... I'm so glad you're here!"

Misato grinned, walking over to Shinji's bedside. Shinji embraced the purple-haired woman in a tight grip as soon as she was within arm's range, holding onto Misato like a baby koala to a tree. Misato was somewhat shocked by Shinji becoming so clingy, but nonetheless reciprocated the squeeze. Shinji gently cried onto her guardian's shoulder, her tears a mixture of confusion, distress and relief.

"Oh, Shinji, it's okay...it's okay..." cooed Misato, gently patting the girl on the back. "However, you might want to consider putting some clothes on before you go around hugging people like that." Misato smirked a little.

Shinji looked down and realized her hospital gown had slipped off, and that she was pressing her bare breasts against Misato. Her face turned bright red as she drew the bed covers up over her chest in shame. "S-s-sorry..." she whimpered, blushing tremendously. "I wasn't thinking!"

"Hey, it's fine, don't worry about it!" said Misato, laughing a little. "Just... think a little more next time. Anyway, how are you feeling?"

Shinji lay back into her covers, stretching a little. "I... I mean, I feel funny. I'm aching all over, my chest and back are sore, I feel really tired, and..." She trailed off.

Misato gave her a puzzled look. "...And what?"

Shinji blushed even more, and averted her gaze from her surrogate mother. "...Well, when I first woke up and found that... this... had happened, I checked between my legs, and I touched something, and it felt, um, funny."

She was interrupted by a snort of laughter from Misato. "Hahaha! Oh, Shinji... That sounds quite normal. I'll... I'll explain later!" she chuckled, just about maintaining her composure.

The door swung open again, and Ritsuko marched in. Asuka was in tow, holding onto the doctor's shoulder for support.

"Ah, Shinji. It's good to see you awake. I've got someone here to see you," said Ritsuko, a wry grin on her face. She carefully let go of Asuka. The redhead tottered a little at first, but just about managed to stay upright.

Asuka took one look at Shinji and went a bright red, scowling and giving the girl a vicious glare. "H-h-h-how come _HE..._I mean, why does _SHE_ gets to be a girl!? I'm stuck with this hideous boy's physique and stupid pervert over there gets blessed with a girl's body!" Asuka spluttered, pointing at Shinji and shaking his fist. "It's NOT FAIR! She'll not be able to properly appreciate the joys of being female! She'll just go around flashing her panties, bursting into tears, getting felt up behind the arcade and generally making women look bad! Just her having a pair of breasts is setting back feminism 30 years!"

"Asuka, stop." Misato attempted to curb the boy's wave of insults before Shinji broke down crying again. "She's only just got over the initial shock, she doesn't need you making this any worse for her."

Ritsuko whispered to Misato, "Are you sure about this? This looks like another stress attack coming on."

"Nah," Misato whispered back, lowering her voice away from Asuka. "She's always like this."

Asuka continued with his tirade. "The fact is, Shinji, you should think yourself very lucky that you've had the good fortune to experience the wonder that is being a girl! But you had better behave yourself; the moment I catch you letting some boy hit on you, I'll- why are you staring at me?"

Shinji was mesmerized by Asuka's newly developed muscular torso. It was a funny feeling, being attracted to a boy- especially when that boy was Asuka- but she couldn't help it. His well-defined chest was pushing through the tight hospital gown, looking like nothing so much as a Greek statue. It was truly quite beautiful, even exquisite-

"SHINJI!" snapped Asuka, waving his hands in front of her face. "Are you even listening to me?"

"You have a nice chest!" Shinji blurted, her common sense department clearly shutting down in favor of the girlish lust section of her brain.

Ritsuko and Misato stared at the girl, before bursting into laughter. Asuka stood stock still, face blushing, completely shocked by Shinji's statement of her admiration for his torso.

"...PERVERT!" screamed Asuka, finally coming out of his shock and slapping Shinji in the face. "Don't you DARE lust after me like that! Pervert! Lech! Deviant! Slut-"

It was then that he realized that Shinji was lying on her back, clutching the left side of her face and whimpering in pain, with tears rolling down her cheeks. Shinji never normally cried like this when Asuka slapped him. Normally he just took it and stayed quiet, but now, something was a lot different.

"Shinji-chan! Are you alright?" Misato exclaimed, rushing to the girl's side and cradling her in her arms. Shinji continued to sob, gingerly touching her face where she had been slapped.

Ritsuko joined her colleague, touching Shinji's cheek to check for swelling. "Oh dear. Do you need an ice pack?" she asked, patting the crying girl on the forehead in an attempt to calm her.

Misato rounded on Asuka, not looking angry so much as very worried.

"Asuka, you have to stop doing that! You're a lot stronger than you were, and Shinji is much more delicate!" she said, pointing to the wailing Shinji. "You could really injure her if you aren't careful!" There wasn't any rage in her voice, just the soft sort of pleading that a mother would use with a small child.

Asuka took a step back, nearly falling over. "It- it's not my fault! I didn't realize Shinji had turned into such a… well, such a girl!"

Ritsuko approached major Katsuragi, leaving Shinji's bedside. "Are you absolutely sure you think it's a good idea to take him home with you?" Ritsuko dropped her voice to something a little closer to a whisper. "If he does something like that again, just a little bit harder, he could really hurt Shinji."

Misato sighed. "It's alright. Asuka didn't realize how hard he hit her. I don't think he was actually trying to hurt her, so he just needs to remember not to do it in the future. They'll be fine." She turned back to Asuka. "Now, apologize to Shinji, Asuka-kun."

Asuka tried to avert his gaze from Shinji, but eventually he relented. He faced the no-longer-sobbing girl with his head held low. "...Sorry. I shouldn't have done that," he mumbled.

"It's alright. Um, don't worry about it," responded Shinji. Her voice was subdued and hurt, but somehow understanding at the same time. "It was just an outburst. I'm sorry I made you angry…"

Misato smiled and clapped her hand on Asuka's shoulder. "Good, I'm glad we've got that sorted out! Now, Shin-chan, do you think you can stand up?"

Shinji sat up as straight as she could. "I... I think so, I'll give it a try."

She slid to the edge of the bed and slowly eased herself out, her trembling feet making contact with the floor. She gradually stood up, shaking as she came clear of the bed. She took a few steps, swaying unsteadily as she adjusted to her new bone structure and centre of gravity. Then she misjudged a step, and tipped forwards. Her arms shot out to catch herself.

Fortunately, Ritsuko caught her before she hit the floor, preventing a major injury. "Well, I guess that's a no," the doctor sighed. "I'd say you're going to need some crutches until you can fully adjust to your body. Fortunately, I have a pair available for you," she said, dryly. "You'll have to rely on them for the first couple of days, but try not to lean too heavily on them, or you'll find standing without them even harder when it's time to stop using them."

The dark-haired girl straightened up a bit, holding on to Ritsuko for support. "OK, thank you Akagi-san..."

The scientist chuckled a little. "It's okay. You can still call me Ritsuko, you know." She winked at the girl and helped her stand up, letting her hold onto her shoulder. "Now, Misato, I think these two should be ready to go. Are you alright with that?"

The major grinned and nodded. "You bet!"

* * *

Shinji and Asuka had gone home with Misato, and Ritsuko had returned alone to her office. She lit a cigarette and took a deep drag from it, blowing a miniature smoke ring.

_She's not taking this anywhere near seriously enough. Shinji could be really hurt if Asuka lashes out, _Dr. Akagi thought to herself. _I hope Ikari-chan does OK. She was unstable enough when she was a boy, but now..._

She took another drag, puffing a slightly larger ring.

_Still, _she thought,_ at least we don't have to worry about hormone injections. Their bodies seemed to have been completely transformed by the experience. Exactly how we're going to get them back to normal, though, I don't know._

She sighed, crushed the spent cigarette against her ashtray, and took a sip from her coffee.

_If I didn't know better I'd say that this whole scenario was part of some really bad fanfiction or something._

* * *

***TO BE CONTINUED***

* * *

A/N: As usual, beta-read by the wonderful Nuclear Lunchbox. The formatting might vary from chapter to chapter because I suck at formatting.

Next chapter coming soon!


	4. This is getting silly

Some Do Not Like It Hot

* * *

Chapter 4: "This is getting silly!"

* * *

_Cheese...Why am I thinking of cheese so much lately? _Rei's mind bounced through all sorts of topics as she slept, still blissfully unaware of exactly what the Angel had done to her and her comrades._ It's because you like cheese, for it is pleasant-tasting and nutritious._

Rei was locked in a one-sided conversation with herself, launching tirades on topics on anything from philosophy to gardening. It had never occurred to her that literally talking to oneself was considered unusual, hence the long, run-on discussion about… cheese.

_That is indeed true. Cheese is quite delicious, _she rambled. _Especially with chutneys, like piccalilli or onion marmalade. And yet, you distract yourself from more important questions. You are still ignorant as to the boiling sensation you felt as the Angel disappeared,_ she chided herself.

_You are correct, _she considered._ Perhaps one of the symptoms is talking to oneself._

_No, you do that anyway._

_Good point. _Rei considered alternate possibilities. _I must admit, I feel quite different. Though the me inside of me still sounds normal, the me that _is_ me sounds slightly baritone..._

_You do realize that did not make one jot of sense, you know._

_I apologize. I feel different, too. Somehow squarer, stronger, more... _She mentally trailed off._ ...Well, masculine._

* * *

Her blood-red eyes flicked open, staring at the hospital ceiling. "Well, this is most unexpected. I feel very different," she said, flatly as ever. "And I was right; my voice has dropped several octaves."

Standing over her was Maya Ibuki. Though Rei was familiar with the mousy-haired technician, Maya somehow looked different; not in the visible or tangible sense, but rather in perception. She seemed a lot more pleasant to look at- not that Rei had ever found her ugly in any way, of course- but somehow, she found it hard to look away from Maya. It was as though her eyes were glued to her.

Rei then considered how hideous that metaphor was. The idea of having one's ocular organs bonded by adhesive to someone was quite sickening.

"Oh, you're awake," the woman chuckled nervously. "I was wondering when you'd come to."

"Ibuki," said Rei in her usual monotone, "Why do I feel and sound so different?"

Maya blushed, evidently uncomfortable with what she was about to say. "The thing is..." she paused, rethought her words, and began anew. "When the Angel disappeared, something happened to you, Asuka and Shinji. All the readings in the entry plugs completely blacked out, and we couldn't find out what had happened until we recovered the Evas. When we opened the plugs, um, well..."

She handed Rei a mirror.

The blue-haired girl looked at herself. Her hair had become a lot shorter and her face more chiseled, albeit only a little. Her red eyes were slightly less pronounced than before, her brow a little more prominent, and her features less pixie-like. It didn't take Rei very long to figure out what had happened.

"Oh." Rei's voice had about the same inflictions that would have existed as if she were learning that she would be having a salad for dinner. "I appear to be male."

Maya sighed, covering her face with her hand. "I'm afraid so. I'm sorry; we don't have a clue how it happened. I'm just glad you've taken it so well."

"Well, I am certainly surprised, but I am not greatly distressed by the discovery," he said. "I will confess that I have long pondered what it is like to have a peni-"

"Don't say that word!" wailed Maya, clamping her hands over her ears. "I... Eww, I don't want to think about those things!"

"I apologize, Ibuki-san," he said, slightly bemused at her reaction to such an insignificant word. However, this did support his theory that Maya was inclined towards Sapphic tendencies. He reminded himself to ask her more about it later, when he hopefully returned to being female.

The technician relaxed a little, with an exasperated sigh. "Don't worry about it, it's just that... Well, I'll explain at some other time." She sat down in the chair by the side of the bed, yawning slightly.

"Anyway," she continued, "do you think you'll be alright to leave soon?"

Rei sat up, stretching a little.

"Well, I believe I will be in acceptable condition to leave, yes." A virtually undetectable smirk crept upon the androgynous blue-haired boy's face. "However, I am not sure how the Second and Third Children will react. I can foresee either absolute calamity or excessive amusement. Possibly both."

Although nobody would have guessed it from looking at him, Rei was rather pleased by this turn of events. The thoughts of the Second Child throwing what he had once heard Suzuhara-san refer to as a "hissy fit" over the change in genitalia amused him greatly. He did not like Soryu very much; she (or rather, he) had always been extremely antagonistic towards the Third, Ikari, who made Rei feel warm. A fitting punishment for the Ginger Menace, he thought.

He was worried about Ikari though. He hoped the Third Child would take the change well.

* * *

The car journey had been long and uncomfortable. Shinji nearly fell over when she tried to get off her crutches and into the vehicle, the pajamas they had had to change into were scratchy, the air conditioning had broken, and Asuka had insisted on having _Best of Super Robot Anime Music_ blasting out of the car stereo on an infinite loop. If Shinji had to listen to the _Mazinger Z_ theme tune one more time, she was going to go insane. Why couldn't they pop in the _Utena_ OST for once?

After what seemed like an eternity of Asuka's complaining, Misato's terrible driving, and far too much music from _Getter Robo_, the car finally arrived back at the apartment. _About bloody time too_, thought Shinji.

With her hands sweaty from spending so long in the baking hot sedan, Shinji opened the car door. She slid her crutches off the seat and grasped them firmly by the handles. Slowly, she transferred her weight off the seat and onto the crutches, slipping out of the car and onto the hot tarmac.

"You OK? If you need me to help you stand, just tell me!" said Misato, giving Shinji a reassuring smile. She, at least, seemed sympathetic to her plight. The purple-haired woman stood, stretching her arms out from the drive.

The brown-haired girl took a careful step forward, adjusting her crutches to support her weight. "I think I'll be fine, thank you." She did not want to burden Misato any more than she already did- the purple-haired woman was like a surrogate mother to Shinji, and she felt indebted to her as she was.

She carefully lifted her crutches off the ground, and tried to walk a few steps. For a few seconds she seemed to be doing fine, but after the 7th step she nearly lost her footing. She teetered forwards, eerily similar to her earlier mishap in the hospital. Fortunately, she stopped herself with her crutches before she hit the ground.

"Honestly, watching you try to walk is like watching a 2-year-old trying to play Quake," came Asuka's harsh laughter as the redheaded boy exited the car. "Slightly painful, but completely hilarious!"

Misato gave him a glare. "Asuka, don't start on her already. She needs time to adjust. Just give her a few days and she'll be walking fine," she said sternly.

Asuka gave another snort of mirth. "Oh, yes, I'm sure she will. Of course, the question is, will she make a total prat of herself? Knowing stupid Shinji, she probably won't be able to walk 3 feet without giving everyone a flash of her underwear!" He rolled his eyes, still chuckling as he walked straight past Shinji. "It'll be a dream come true for any nearby boys! Ha!"

Shinji tried to ignore the mocking laughter of her half-German housemate, but she couldn't help but feel a little inadequate. Whereas she could barely stand up straight, Asuka was up and walking with little trouble. Asuka was also back to his usual boisterous, haughty self; Shinji was even more frightened and timid than before. She felt like a runt, like the child that always came last in the school race. It was no wonder that her father had basically disowned her.

She felt a hand on her shoulder, and turned to see Misato with a gentle smile on her face. "It's OK, Shin-chan. You don't need to listen to her- sorry, him. He's been a pain like that since he woke up, and I don't think being male is going to help much. How about when we get in I run you a nice bath?" she said. Her tone was gentle and reassuring, her expression serene and non-threatening.

Shinji gently nodded, before hugging her guardian. Somehow she felt more comfortable around Katsuragi than before- there was no tension, no feelings of inappropriateness, just safety and security.

Blushing, Misato chuckled to herself a little. _Shinji certainly has become a lot more clingy,_ thought the major. Despite her calm demeanor, her mind was in a million different places at once. She was still thinking over the recent _developments_ and the potential upheaval they would cause. _Still, I can think of far, far worse things to have happened to her. Just imagine if she'd become female in every aspect but _that_. Eurgh. _Misato quickly dispensed the thought from her subconscious in much the same way as one would clear messages from desperate, rich Nigerian princes and Viagra advertisements from one's inbox. The thought of a futanari Shinji was too much to bear.

Yes, it could definitely have gone worse. It could have gone a lot better, but it could still have gone a lot worse._Mind you, _she thought, _let's not forget what Ritsuko used to say: "Nothing is so bad it can't get worse."_

* * *

Asuka relaxed in the blissfully warm bath, feeling his troubles float away in the water. It had been a stressful day, but at last he was getting some time to unwind. He was also rather smug, as he had nabbed the bath before stupid Shinji. Despite the scrawny girl's pleading, he had secured the bath for himself and got the hottest water first. He knew it was immature of him, but he had to get his kicks somehow. He wasn't going to let this ridiculous scenario change the balance of power.

_Judge Soryu reporting for duty, _he thought to himself. _I am the law and you better believe it, stupid pervert!_

Speaking of stupid pervert, he couldn't help but admit that Shinji looked rather attractive as a girl. Perhaps it was because Shinji already looked like a girl, when he had been male. Who knew? He chuckled to himself. _Still nowhere near as pretty as I was when I was female. Although I must admit, she does look rather delicious. Especially that cute little chest of hers. If I had the chance, I-_

Suddenly he realized what he was doing. He was fantasizing over stupid Shinji. _No, no! What am I thinking! Stop, Asuka, stop! You mustn't do that; you'll be no better than him! Stop..._

But it was too late. Slowly he felt a warm, fuzzy sensation between his legs, and saw to his horror that a certain special someone was standing to attention. And not modestly, either; the organ had reached quite an impressive size and pinkish hue, almost as if to taunt him for his lustful thoughts. Either that, or it was demanding compensation for being teased with lewd mental imagery.

"This is... you've got to be kidding me!"

The last sentence was violently expelled as a mixture of embarrassment, disgust, confusion and rage filled the redhead. In a whoosh of spray and steam, he leapt out of the bath and hurled open the door. Someone had some explaining to do.

* * *

***TO BE CONTINUED***

* * *

A/N: This chapter recieved a lot of edits and betaing before it got to the final product you see here. As usual, thanks to Nuclear Lunchbox for editing, betareading and all that jazz.

I should warn you that things will be getting very...silly from the next chapter onwards.


	5. What kind of fic is this anyway?

Some Do Not Like It Hot

* * *

Chapter 5: "What kind of fic is this anyway?"

* * *

_Editor's note: _Find the reference to Misato's namesake, and you get a symbolic cookie.

* * *

_WARNING: _The following chapter may necessitate the use of both eye and mind bleach. You have been warned.

* * *

"Asuka's taking his time in there, isn't he?" Shinji was lying on the sofa, quite exhausted and about ready to fall asleep. All she wanted was a nice relaxing bath; at this rate by the time Asuka was out she would have died of old age.

"Don't worry about it, Shin-chan. If he takes much longer I'll go and knock on the door." Misato replied, grabbing a Yebisu from the fridge. "Tell you what; if the water's cold by the time he's out, I'll run you another one."

She knew that it would be a waste of water, but right now the children's happiness was more important than keeping down the water bill. In any case, 25% of the bills were paid by NERV- one of the many perks of being a major.

Shinji sighed, pulling her knees up to her chest. "Well, as long as he gets out eventually. It's just that I'm so-"

She was interrupted when a dripping wet, completely naked Asuka Langley Soryu burst out of the bathroom, a furious-yet-terrified look on his face, pointing to his rather staggering erection.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS THING DOING!?" he shrieked, gesticulating madly to his engorged phallus. "I was just in the bath, when all of a sudden this... this horrible _thing _gets all big! What the hell is going on?"

Misato dropped her beer can.

There was an awkward silence, as Shinji stared in abject terror at Asuka's Progressive Sausage. The silence was broken when Misato fell to the floor, rolling about in fits of laughter.

"Hahah-! *snort* Ahahahaha! Oh, Asuka, That's quite normal!" Misato gasped, bent double by the force of her laughter. Her sides aching, she choked out, "That's… well, I'm sure Shinji can explain to you... heeheehee!"

At this, Soryu turned on the terrified Shinji. He marched up to her with his finger pointed at the offending body part, which was barely 10 centimeters from the girl's face. Any observer probably would have mistaken the scene for an impending assault. "So, stupid pervert, do tell me... How do I get this thing to go down?" This was growled through Asuka's gritted teeth as if he were interrogating a captured soldier about the location of the enemy's stronghold.

Shinji swallowed, trembling in her seat. "Well, um, sometimes if you want to... er, get rid of an erection, you can try thinking about, uh, boring things."

Asuka's eyes widened at this, the spark of hope ignited within him. "Like what?" he asked.

"Um, sometimes I try thinking about, well... textbooks, and, erm, submarines. And if that doesn't work, you could try celery."

The half-German closed his eyes. He tried to think about all the things that bored him. Newspapers. Stamps. Cabbages. Milton Keynes. But no matter how hard he tried, his little friend refused to settle down. He couldn't stop thinking about breasts; more specifically, Shinji's breasts.

He sighed, looking down at his still-erect beef bludgeon. It didn't look one bit smaller. In fact, if anything it looked even bigger. "That's no good. It won't go down." He slumped over a little, feeling utterly defeated by his reproductive organ. "What am I going to do? I can't have this stupid thing staying up all night!"

Taking a deep breath, Shinji mentally reinforced herself for Asuka's inevitable outrage. "Well, there is, erm, one other thing you could try." She knew that when she told Asuka what he had to do, he would probably go berserk. "You need to, um, 'relieve' it."

The color drained out of Asuka's face and his jaw dropped open, his eyes wide with shock.

"You don't mean to suggest- I mean- I can't just-" he spluttered, words utterly failing him. "I can't touch that horrible lump of flesh! It's disgusting! I mean, how could anyone touch such a horrible organ?"

Misato fought back a snigger and gave Asuka a disapproving look, although it was closer to a _Don't be such a wuss, of course you can do it_ glare than an arguably more appropriate _Oh god, why are you standing out here with a massive boner_ stare.

"For crying out loud, Asuka, don't make such a big deal of it! I'm sure Shinji was able to relieve himself when he was male. You don't want to be wimpier than Shinji, do you?"

Shinji shot Misato a look that could sink an Unryu-class aircraft carrier. Fortunately, Misato wasn't looking and there seemed to be an absence of nearby battleships named after the purple-haired woman.

"Well, no, but..." the fiery German mumbled under his breath. "I still can't...I mean..."

"Besides," continued Misato, "surely you must have had a few de-stressing sessions from time to time when you were a girl? It's really not all that different!"

"T-That's none of your business!" spluttered Asuka. "Honestly, you're almost as much of a lustful idiot as stupid Shinji!"

Misato sighed, shaking her head in exhaustion. "Look, Asuka. Do you want to be stuck with a boner for the rest of the night?"

The redhead hung his head. "N-No."

"In that case," Misato exclaimed, "You can let Shinji tell you how to get rid of it!"

Asuka slumped even deeper, sighing with exasperation. "Okay, okay..." he said, taking another deep breath. He turned back to Shinji, his face stuck somewhere between defeated and embarrassed. "Shinji, please tell me, how do I... um, _relive_ this thing?"

Shinji tried her best to smile, which was extremely difficult when Asuka's throbbing manhood was but a scant distance away from her face.

"Well," she began, "First, you have to, well, take a hold of it, but not too tightly! Otherwise, it will, um, hurt."

The German winced, glancing down at his expanded trouser truncheon. "...Go on..."

The girl swallowed, blushing a little. "Then, you move you hand, er, back and forth, like this." she said, slowly acting out the motion with her hand. Misato struggled to hold in a splutter of mirth at the sight of the female Shinji stroking an invisible phallus.

Asuka shrugged. "Seems easy enough."

"It is, uh, mostly simple, but don't, er, do it too fast or too hard, or it will get, um, sore." she explained further, a rather embarrassed tone in her voice.

Wincing a little, Asuka crossed his arms. "So, basically I just massage it until it goes down."

"Well, not exactly..." Shinji chuckled nervously. "You, ahem, stroke it until it... feels good, and then, well, umm, you'll see."

Asuka narrowed his gaze a little.

"Is that it?"

"Er, basically yes." Shinji blushed a little, remembering something embarrassing. "I might, uh, have something that could help you. I'll be right back."

She grabbed her crutches and levered herself onto her feet, before hobbling to her room. When she came back, she was holding a small cardboard box.

"Here... use these." she said, nodding towards the box. "These should help you, umm, finish."

The redhead gave Shinji a suspicious stare, before taking the box and lifting the lid. When he saw what was inside, he went bright red.

"These are..." he spluttered. "These are pictures of ME! How could you, you stupid-"

"Sorry..." the mousy-haired girl whimpered. "I just thought they'd be helpful..."

Anger flared up inside Asuka, but as he watched Shinji cowering, his fury drained from him. Although he hated to admit it, his heart melted a little at the sight of the girl. Maybe it was the change in perspective, maybe it was just hormones.

His face softening and returning to its normal color, Asuka nodded. "Well, given the circumstances, I'll let you off this time." Putting the lid back on the box, Asuka marched into his room, slamming the door behind him. A moment of silence hung in the room, before Asuka poked his head back out of the door. "By the way, it's not weird that I'm using pictures of myself to do this!" the boy shouted, before slamming the door. Shinji looked defeated, but Misato was holding her giggles even harder than she had been before.

Letting out a shuddering breath, Shinji fell back onto the sofa and wiped the sweat off her brow. "I..." gasped the slender girl. "...I need a bath." Misato's humor evaporated in an instant as she looked over at the girl. The guardian watched as Shinji shakily pushed herself off of the sofa for the second time that evening and headed over to the bathroom, nudging the sliding door shut with her feet.

* * *

With some difficulty, Shinji managed to extract herself from the scratchy pajamas that she had been wearing ever since she had left the hospital. Dropping them to the side, the girl slowly lowered herself into the tub. The deep, warm bath provided a much-needed relief for the girl. She lay mostly submerged in the water, with just her head and her knees poking above the surface. Her head was rested on one of Misato's inflatable bath pillows, and her crutches were propped up against the wall next to the bathtub.

Yawning, Shinji stretched her arms a little. The day had been long and tiring, and she welcomed the rest offered by the soak. Her limbs felt heavy, and her back weak. Sitting up slightly, she inspected her newly developed breasts. They were quite modest and understated, a little smaller than Asuka's had been when he had been female, but they were still shapely and appealing. They were well rounded and gently sloped, responding to gravity but not sagging. She was actually quite glad that they were not too big- she had heard Misato complaining of shoulder pains before, and it was not something she wanted to experience.

Overcome by curiosity, she gave her left breast a gentle squeeze. It was soft and warm to the touch, reminding her of nothing so much as fresh dough. It felt odd, but not entirely unpleasant. The experience wasn't nearly as uncomfortable as Shinji thought it would have been. She let out a little sigh as she felt herself unwinding, the tension in her muscles evaporating.

"OH GOD, WHY IS THERE GLUE EVERYWHERE!?"

The cry startled her, and she unintentionally squeezed much too hard, a jolt of pain surging from her chest. She winced, carefully rubbing her sore mammary. The sound of Asuka's wailing and Misato's laughter echoed in the background.

_Maybe Asuka's not quite as quick to adapt as I thought... _she mused, smiling a little on the inside.

* * *

***TO BE CONTINUED***

* * *

A/N: Sorry about the delay in getting this published. I have been falling behind schedule a little. Thank you for remaining patient! And yes, I realize this chapter is utterly horrifying. I'm sorry, but it had to be done.

As usual, thanks to Nuclear Lunchbox for editing, proofreading and stuff like that.

Until next time!


	6. What was this story about again?

Some Do Not Like It Hot

* * *

Chapter 6: "What was this story about again?"

* * *

The walls of the conference room appeared no more than blank emptiness stretching off into space. At the center of the room was a smooth, ceramic table. It was illuminated from the inside, giving off the impression of a softly glowing paper lantern. Surrounding this table were six chairs, each lit from beneath with glowing, colored tiles. The two seats on the left side of the table softly pulsed with red and yellow tones; shades of blue and green illuminated the right. The two seats at the head and foot of the table obtained their illumination from harsh white light.

Seated around the table were the innermost members of Seele, the Human Instrumentality Committee. At one end of the table was Gendo Ikari, the supreme commander of Nerv. He was the father of the Third Child, and the sixth member of the Committee. As usual, he had adopted his usual position of hands locked together in front of his face, keeping his eyes hidden behind his mirrored glasses. Being a perfect poker face, it unnerved the weak and deterred the potentially dangerous. It was a position that concealed any possible emotions the man could choose to make. Gendo did not trust anyone, including the men of Seele; best to be on the safe side.

Chairman Lorenz Kiel, the head of Seele, sat directly across from Gendo. He made no effort to hide his own facial tells, since the visor covering his eyes took care of that for him. Clearing his throat and shuffling the papers in front of him, he began to speak. "So, the Angel Azrael has appeared. Just as the Dead Sea Scrolls predicted, yes?" he wheezed. His voice was old and frail, yet extremely threatening.

"That is indeed correct," replied Gendo, maintaining his usual drone. "And I am pleased to inform you that it was repelled."

"Excellent," said Kiel, smirking. "Just as planned."

"Indeed. This follows the prophecy fairly closely," murmured the British representative, Clive.

"However," spoke Gendo, "The Angel was merely expelled from our vicinity, not actually destroyed. Azrael remains at large."

Kiel's smirk gave way to a disappointed frown. "That was not in line with the prediction." The man sighed, massaging his temples just above his mask. Azrael was a petty annoyance, but it could still pose a threat if not treated with care.

"Do not treat this lightly," interjected Ivan, the Russian. "The slightest misinterpretation of the Scrolls can lead to disaster, as we well know."

"Oh, it gets worse," continued Commander Ikari. "Azrael has demonstrated power as yet unheard of exhibited by an Angel. It somehow managed to inflict physical transformations upon the pilots. "

Kiel raised an eyebrow, only the movement seen above the visor. "Oh? What _kind_ of physical transformation?"

Gendo swallowed, his stomach knotting. The information he was about to deliver, no matter how much of an impact it had on his version of the scenario, could elicit one of two reactions from the committee: indifference or a call for his blood. "The Children, against all probability, have been… They have been completely converted into the opposite gender of their initial state."

There was a collective groan from all 5 members of Seele.

"Hm." Kiel had adopted a version of Gendo's classic pose; hands in front of mouth, brow furrowed in contemplation. "This is grave news indeed."

"I concur," said the US Seele member, Ronald. "This was not predicted anywhere in the Scrolls. If an event of such a magnitude as this was omitted, then imagine what else the future may have in store. The Scrolls are, after all, incomplete."

"We would be wise, I feel, to consider the development of more Evangelion units and the training of pilots," chimed in Pierre, the French committeeman.

Kiel shook his head slowly, before drumming his fingers over his side of the table. "The important thing now is how this little incident will affect the scenario," he said. "Can the Children still pilot?"

"As of yet, the extent of the Children's piloting capabilities are unknown," responded Gendo. "To the best of our knowledge, the Children's souls are fundamentally unchanged. However, we have yet to ascertain whether these drastic changes to their nervous systems will affect synchronization levels with their respective Evangelion units."

"Hmm." Kiel paused, drumming the tips of his fingers together. "In this case, as to avoid interfering any more with the scenario, I suggest that you-"

"Um, sir." Clive raised his hand. "I think it's our snack break now."

Kiel pulled out his gold-plated pocket watch, flipping it open. "Oh yes, so it is." He placed the watch back into its snug little pocket. Turning to Gendo, he said, "This meeting is adjourned for snack purposes. Please try not to do anything stupid."

"So, same time next week?" asked Clive. "I have a yoga class, so I might be a bit late..."

Pierre raised his hand. "I have a baguette-sampling appointment." Little interjections broke out among the room. Gendo vaguely caught snippets of conversations among the members, hearing words such as _celery_ and _mega milk_ being murmured among the members of the council.

"Anyway, I'll be going now," said Ivan, before fading out of the room. The remaining members faded after him, until only Kiel and Gendo were left in the room.

"Keep in mind, Ikari, we are counting on you…" growled Kiel, his voice echoing in the virtual environment. "Make sure the Children can still pilot. Our contract with Lilith depends upon it."

If Gendo was intimidated, he did not show it. He simply stared at Kiel through his reflective glasses, inscrutable as ever. "Oh, I can assure you, one way or another, they will pilot." He smirked behind his gloved hands. "Whether they like it or not."

Kiel cracked a devilish smile, exposing his yellowed teeth. "Good, good. You always were good at getting things done. I have faith in you. Just do one thing for me."

"...Yes?"

Lorenz coughed, before dabbing his forehead with a handkerchief. "Your son- sorry, daughter... Shinki, was that her name? Go easy on her. I know what you're like, Ikari. Cut the kid a break, she needs it more than ever."

Gendo let out an exasperated sigh. "I suppose I can try." With that, the director of Nerv disappeared from the room.

Lorenz Kiel leaned back in his chair, quite tired from the meeting.

"Christ, what a dick."

* * *

***TO BE CONTINUED***

* * *

A/N: This chapter had to undergo heavy editing before it was ready to publish. Thanks to Nuclear Lunchbox again for the help.

Also, writing the Seele council is hard.


End file.
